Sir Alex, Mancini & Platt star in Mancbeth

 

By George Ankers

ACT I, SCENE I. A mysterious heath.

Thunder and lightning. A sofa. A familiar theme tune. Enter three witches.

ALAN, THE FIRST WITCH: When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning or in rain?

GARY, THE SECOND WITCH: It'll be next Saturday at 22.35GMT, Alan, same as usual. You're contractually obliged.

ALAN, THE THIRD WITCH: A drum, a drum! Mancbini doth come. He's come right up to us and he'll be happy with that.

Enter Roberto Mancbini and his loyal friend, Plattquo.

MANCBINI: So foul and fair a day I have not seen. Not since Lady Macbalo set off a firework in the dressing room, anyway...

PLATTQUO: Yes, boss. (GASPS.) What are these, so wither'd and so bland in their attire, that speak not like inhabitants o' the television and yet are on't?

MANCBINI: Speak, if you can: What are you?

SECOND WITCH: Hail, Mancbini! Hail to thee, Thane of Premis!

FIRST WITCH: Hail. Pace. Power. Commitment.

THIRD WITCH: Hail, Mancbini, thou shalt be king in Manchester hereafter! I can't see anyone beating you on this form.

PLATTQUO: Of what do you speak, ladies?

SECOND WITCH: Mancbini, thou hast glory'd thyself in bloody battle. Brave Mancbini, for well thee deserveth the name, thou hast led thy men to victory of six to one at thy enemy's castle.

THIRD WITCH: Thou couldst say that the key was how you scored more goals then they did.

SECOND WITCH: Yet now Ferguson, King of Manchester, bringeth his host to thy gates. Forsooth, the hour of thy crowning is come.

MANCBINI: No, no ... Ferguson, he is the King. The fates favour them.

FIRST WITCH: The King relieth too greatly on his young sons and retainers. Thou shalt not be victorious with babes.

MANCBINI: No. For us it is too difficult, I think.

THIRD WITCH: Etihad Castle is a hard place to go and get a result. I can't look past you.

MANCBINI: We have no chance.

PLATTQUO: Ladies, thine efforts are for naught. I hath cajol'd the boss for hours. He is stubborn.

SECOND WITCH: Brave Mancbini, witness our spell and be convinced.

The CAULDRON comes alight.

SECOND WITCH: Double, double, toil and trouble.

FIRST WITCH: Pace, power, leadership and commitment.

THIRD WITCH: Er ... suppose you've some kind of small amphibian. It's like a lizard, I guess, but ... not. I haven't really looked it up, to be honest. And there's this sort of circular ball in its face that it uses to see things...

The CAULDRON bubbles furiously, billowing smoke into the night sky.

SECOND WITCH: What dost thou see, brave Mancbini?

MANCBINI: Mine own visage in the smoke! Wherefore dost thou show me this?

FIRST WITCH: Look on.

MANCBINI: On mine head ... the crown of Manchester's King! It is taken from Ferguson to me! How canst this be? They art above us in the statisticians' reckonings.

SECOND WITCH: Forsooth, he shall not linger much longer over his domain.

MANCBINI: I must needs kill the King?

SECOND WITCH: Ay! Speaketh not in terms so literal. Don't go giving Lady Macbalo any ideas.

FIRST WITCH: Thy midfield is miles ahead, that's all.

The Witches vanish. MANISH, THE FOURTH WITCH tries to jump out from behind a tree with a Tupperware cauldron and CLARIDGE, THE BLACK CAT perched on his shoulder but MANCBINI and PLATTQUO exeunt with haste.

MANCBINI: King of Manchester! This I like...
Tweet Follow @omomani

Drogba brings the bling as Chelsea embark on Europa outing

 

Chelsea's Champions League defence may have already ended, but for those who succeeded in the competition last season, there are still some benefits to be reaped from their victory over Bayern Munich.

Club legend Didier Drogba, who left Stamford Bridge last summer for Shanghai Shenhua, made sure his team-mates would never forget that night in Munich back in May by bestowing specially made rings upon all those involved in the triumph.

However, for Rafa Benitez, it is just a stark reminder of the club's failings in this year's tournament, and the Europa League campaign that awaits...

Tweet Follow @omomani

'Worth the Mona Lisa' - Raiola paints pretty Balotelli picture

 

He may have yet to reach his potential at Manchester City, but Mario Balotelli continues to be linked with Europe's top sides, with Milan firming up their interest in the 22-year-old.

Rossoneri boss Massimiliano Allegri hinted at a January move for the striker on Tuesday, hailing the Italy international's "extraordinary physical and technical qualities".

However, the player's agent, Mino Raiola, has reiterated that Balotelli will not be leaving the Etihad Stadium, before insisting his client would cost "as much as the Mona Lisa"...

Tweet Follow @omomani

Manchester City's European hopes go up in smoke again

 

Having already crashed out of the Champions League, Tuesday's 1-0 defeat to Borussia Dortmund capped another dismal campaign for Manchester City in Europe.

The loss at Signal Iduna Park resulted in Roberto Mancini's side finishing bottom of Group D, and in turn saw them miss out on the consolation prize of Europa League football.

Now, with only domestic matters to concern them for the remainder of the season, the Premier League champions can forget about a continental adventure for another year...

Tweet Follow @omomani

Mourinho ignores Manchester to stay at Madrid…for now

 

While relations have become strained between Real Madrid and manager Jose Mourinho in recent weeks, the Portuguese boss insisted on Monday that he has no intention of leaving Santiago Bernabeu at the end of the season.

Despite Saturday's 3-0 win over Atletico Madrid, Los Blancos still trail their city rivals by five points, with Barcelona maintaing their 11 point lead at the top of La Liga.

However, with Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson recently touting 'the Special One' to replace him at Old Trafford, and Manchester City long-term admirers of the 49-year-old, it may Mourinho who chooses to ditch Real next summer...

Tweet Follow @omomani

Sour grapes for Zlatan over Messi nomination

 

Paris Saint-Germain's outspoken centre-forward Zlatan Ibrahimovic courted controversy once more last week by stating that Barcelona striker Lionel Messi shouldn't pick up the Ballon d'Or award this year.

The 31-year-old Sweden international believes that after having already won it three times in a row, that the Blaugrana genius would be far from a deserving winner and that it should be shared around more.

With Fifa whittling it down to just a three-man shortlist, and Messi competing alongside team-mate Andres Iniesta and Real Madrid star Cristiano Ronaldo, Ibrahimovic may have to wait a little while longer to get his wish, with the Argentine the current front-runner and overwhelming favourite.

Tweet Follow @omomani

Mourinho and Cristiano Ronaldo beat Atletico Madrid

Tweet Follow @omomani

Hollywood ending for Beckham as curtain closes on LA journey

 

oes he write his own scripts? He must do, right? David Beckham ended his time in the United States by helping LA Galaxy triumph 3-1 over Houston Dynamo in the MLS Cup final.

It meant the California franchise retained the MLS Cup for the second year running and ensured Becks left an indellible print on Major League Soccer after his five-and-a-half year association with the league.

Though he lived up to Los Angeles expectations with the happiest of endings - Beckham was substituted in the 94th minute to give him a chance to wave to the fans, hug his team-mates and indeed one 'unidentified fan' (Robbie Keane) - there is a sense that this isn't quite the end for the 37-year-old.

He admits he has "no idea" where he will move to for his final, final swansong, but you would not bet against him bringing just as much drama and theatre to proceedings - after all, he has now won the league title in his final year at Manchester United, Real Madrid and LA Galaxy.

Tweet Follow @omomani

Fear of Falcao keeps Mourinho up all night

 

This weekend, the Santiago Bernabeu plays host to one of the most hotly-anticipated Madrid derbies in years, with Jose Mourinho's struggling Real taking on Diego Simeone's in-form Atletico.

The fixture has traditionally been something of a mismatch, with Real invariably enjoying comfortable victories over a succession of talented but underachieving Atletico sides.

This season, however, the tables appear to have turned. Real lie eight points behind their Madrid rivals, having already tasted defeat three times this season.

Atletico, however, have established themselves as Barcelona's closest La Liga challengers, inspired by their prolific Colombian striker Falcao, who has already netted 11 times in the league this season.

Mourinho is a known admirer of Atleti's irrepressible No9, labelling him "forbidden fruit" earlier in the campaign, and it is Falcao who will surely have been keeping an anxious Special One awake this week.
Tweet Follow @omomani

Holloway desperate to block Wenger in pursuit of Zaha

 

Crystal Palace manager Ian Holloway has come out fighting after Arsene Wenger confirmed that Arsenal are mulling over a move for starlet Wilfried Zaha.

Following the Frenchman's comments, the former Blackpool boss lashed out at the north London outfit's manager for talking about his players in public, telling The Sun he would be ringing the Gunners' manager to complain about his "totally bad etiquette".

However, as exclusively revealed by Goal.com, the Gunners are now in talks with the Championship outfit about a proposed £12 million January move for the 20-year-old.

But this is unlikely to stop Holloway from doing all he can to keep hold of the attacker, who recently won his first senior England call-up, even if it means getting in Wenger's way.
Tweet Follow @omomani